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Jul. 14th, 2009

Birthday

Well, today I turn 25. A quarter of a century. And still single---and not just single, but never having had a date, unless you count going to the Prom with a friend in high school. There was another time in high school where I went to a movie with a friend of mine, hoping it was a date, but I it was more an expression of pity since my mom had recently died. Since then I haven't really bothered trying. And the last two years, training for student teaching, then getting a teaching job, then getting fired, then wallowing in self-pity have prevented any developments. I suppose I could have used the past six months for this purpose, but it seemed fairly pointless to do anything in Chapel Hill since I would eventually be leaving it forever.

Speaking of which, I'll be heading to Ohio to stay with my family until I can get back on my feet. This is a good development. Here, whenever I go out, I'm always worried about running into one of the kids in my class, or even worse their parents. The shame would be more than I can bear. And it's not like I feel I did anything to be ashamed of---see previous entries for more on that---but it would still be embarrassing.

It will be good to go back with my family. I will start going to Mass again regularly. You know, I often have a lot of doubts about Christianity, mostly about how evolution and the hugeness of the universe in comparison to man work with the idea of a God who wholly, and about the hidden-ness of God and the mundane-ness of normal life in comparison not only to the Bible but to all ancient sacred writings, which I feel all contain some element of truth*. But in the end, the reason I end up missing Mass is because honestly, sometimes its a little boring, not to mention that its in the morning. The church I went to in Grand Rapids was run by the Paulists, and the priest there was really intelligent but also very down to earth, not to mention that they had a Sunday Mass at 8:00 P.M. Here its just sort of hoo-hum. The worst place I ever had Mass at was Holy Family in middle school---the pastor there (for Catholics, "pastor" means head Priest) was the kind of guy who liked to lecture people about leaving before the closing hymn and wearing casual clothes to Mass. I try to stay all the way through, but that sort of talk is what pushes so much of my generation away from the Church.

Anyway, I am now 25, with no clear direction and no clear goals. But it's not so bad---in a few weeks, I'll get to see who's dubbing Pesche in English. And eventually Final Fantasy XIII and Mass Effect 2. So I have nothing to complain about: God's in his heaven, all's right with the world!


*In spite of my doubts, I am still very much a devoted Christian. And honestly, I find nothing more tiresome than a Christian who exchanges their faith for cynicism or emoness. If I ever get like that, slap me. Hard.

Apr. 23rd, 2009

Well at least I have you Tom

At 1:58 of this:




That's how I feel about LJ sometimes. Sigh. Making friends is hard.

Apr. 15th, 2009

Fraccion!Pesche

I was lucky enough to win Peach's kirban (read: I went on her main page about 50 views before it got to 55555 and clicked Refresh until it got there), and I got her to draw Fraccion!Pesche á repose.  Peach gave me a personal copy of the picture that has him saying, "Oh Ranma, what hilarious adventures will you get into next?".  Now, if anyone at any old RP I used to play (*cough cough*) saw this post, they might know that I used to play Pesche, and I once had him say that he liked to read Shonen Sunday back in the day and that his favorite was Ranma 1/2.  I asserted that he could get fun stuff from the real world if he liked because Nel was the 3rd Espada and she could get all sorts of cool stuff from the world, Aizen or someone would make it happen to keep her happy.  Some people thought that was too far afield of what could actually be possible for the Arrancar to procur and they might have made their opinions known.  Now, while I doubt such people as might have done that will ever see this post (I certainly haven't friended them---not being sarcastic here, I seriously haven't), but if by chance they did, I'd just like them to see this and maybe consider that, hey, Pesche might really have done that.

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Apr. 12th, 2009

Avatar Casting: Is It Racially Insensitive?

My answer to this is, yes and no. For one thing, although that side of the fandom that thinks Aang, Katara, and Sokka should be recast as Tibetan and Inuit actors because the characters are of that race, they all admit that these would have to be Tibetan and Inuit actors that speak English. What I mean is, that even if the character's cultural backgrounds are Tibetan and Inuit, the way they act is 100% white American teenager. That's because they were created by two white guys, who no matter how much knowledge they have of Asian culture and how much Asian-themed material they put on their show, can only create authentic characters who act in the way of the culture they were raised in themselves.

Think of it this way: there are lots of anime series that take place in setting that are supposed to be vaguely Medieval or Renaissance setting. Now, if they were going to make any kind of live action adaptation of this for Japanese audiences, they would obviously use Japanese actors. Now, I'm not talking about reverse discrimination here---that it would be seen as okay for them cast culturally European/White characters with Asian actors, but apparently it's wrong to cast culturally Asian characters with European/White actors---the fact is that, in that situation you would simply be casting a character with an Japanese cultural mindset with a Japanese actor. Because the same rule hold---a writer can only create believable characters of his or her own culture.

So, my point is, that even if they recast Aang, Sokka, and Katara with actors that fit the skin color of the characters in the show, the actors will be culturally white, which, in my mind, negates a lot of the criticism of the casting. Of course, there probably would be some merit in finding a racially suited, yet American actors for the roles, but that ship may have sailed.

Honestly? My ideal casting would be:
Aang: Zachary Tyler Eisen
Katara: Mae Whitman
Sokka: Jack DeSena
Zuko: Dante Basco
Toph: Jessie Flower

Come on, you know it would be awesome.
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Apr. 4th, 2009

My Mom

Six years ago today, my mom died. She had a lot of psychological and health problems...her main one was fibromyalgia, a muscle disease that caused her a lot of pain and made it hard for her to sleep. She had just gotten home from the hospital on the 3rd, that night she took a few too many sleeping pills, and her breathing got so shallow and relaxed that she stopped breathing. She was in bed a lot, and my sister walked into her room and saw that she was blue. She screamed, and I thought it was just another one of her overly dramatic episodes. I remember...horrible things about that day. Whenever I think about it I have to force myself not to or I'll lose it.

My mom was not the nicest person all the time, and sometimes we didn't get along. She and I were really alike, which probably contributed to it. But I loved and I still love her and miss her. In my dreams, half the time she is still alive...and it's not like I spend all day everyday wishing she would come back, but I somewhere in my subconscious, I think even now I haven't accepted that I'll never see her again in this world.

I pray for my mom. Not as much as I should, but I do. Death makes people a little forgetful, and most of my family seems to think she's in heaven now. I remember the priest even saying that she might have gone straight to heaven after death, and that she had paid her debts in life through suffering. But I think my Mom is probably in Purgatory now. I think she'll probably be there for awhile. One can only imagine what Purgatory is like...to be purified of one's sins in the living flame of God's love...is it painful? I guess if Dante is any guide, it's no picnic. But it's not forever.
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Apr. 1st, 2009

Healthy Food

One thing that bothers me when I go looking up anything on healthy eating, I see the same sort of responses to the notion that healthy food doesn't taste great. Here's some from Yahoo answers:

Apparently you haven't had it cooked properly. Or you grew up on junk food and never developed a taste for it. I'm just the opposite- I can't eat stuff that is deep-fried or has a ton or preservatives because it makes me feel sick.

This basically reads: You're parents were idiots. Also, I am a better person than you, because the nasty preservatives are like radiation to my inborn healthiness.

When I was 10, I was eating dinner at a friend of our families. There were carrot sticks on a plate, and even though I didn't like carrots, my brother and his friend were eating them and it made me feel like I was an unhealthy piece of crap. So I forced myself to eat them. And proceeded to vomit all over the floor.

I understand that one needs to eat healthfully in order to enjoy a better quality of life, but I won't accept the argument that healthy food is actually tasty, and that I am just some kind of a gustatory idiot who was taught bad habits. Basically, foods that are high in fat, cholesterol, sodium, etc., probably taste so good because our taste buds evolved to make them taste good. For our hominid ancestors, if you were like the person in the above quote and you couldn't stand the taste of an animal roasted in its own juices, you wouldn't get the same level of nutrition as your fellows, and you would be much more likely to die before you could reproduce. Which is to say, you might be bitch slapped by natural selection.

Now, don't get me wrong---I'm not arguing against eating healthy food, or saying that the people who find such things tasty are liars. I know I should eat healthier food, even if I find it distasteful. What I don't like is people saying that such foods are naturally delicious, if only I knew better. They may taste great for you, but you shouldn't go so far as to say they will taste great for everyone, nor that your sense of taste is somehow right, and that of majority of people is wrong. I admit that taste is to some extent a matter of habit, and that if you eat certain foods, you might find them more tolerable, but I wouldn't go so far as to say that if people would only eat healthy food, they would see it was delicious. You could probably grow to tolerate anything if you ate it day in and day out, but that's hardly the same as actually liking it.

So, that's my rant for today.
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Feb. 27th, 2009

Eggs and Scorpions

It turns out I'm not fit even to substitute.  The references I got were apparently not good references, or not good enough.  Or maybe the school I was trying to get a position subbing for figured I had just been fired and decided they didn't want me.  Who knows?  I'm probably going to be reaping the evil fruits of this situation, being fired I mean, for awhile.  At least I have a tax return that should pay my bills for a few months.  I know I directly start looking for another job, but it'll be another problem of references.  Right now, the only option I have is to get some from Grand Rapids.  I'm also considering that I may need to de-list my work here from my list of former jobs.  It seems that anything connected with this place is going to be poison for me.

The French teacher who was sort of like my second mentor (the old Latin teacher was my main mentor) gave me a reference, and I don't think hers could have been that bad.  Or maybe it was just that she was always really nice to me.  I also got one from the main mentor, we'll call her Ms. C.  She was a older woman, thin and with short gray hair.  She's a baby boomer, and I'd bet anything she voted for Obama.  She recently remarried, and she and her husband, who's also a teacher, appear to be the primary caretakers of biracial girl of 4 or 5 that appears to be her granddaughter.  Her first husband was a professor at Duke and ran off with a graduate assistant---apparently that does happen in real life, not just on T.V.

There were some times when I clashed with her, but only openly a couple of times.  Mostly I just smiled and nodded.  But looking back, I realize more and more that I never should have taken a job as a Latin teacher at a middle school, and that the novelty of the situation bellied the deep difficulties.  There is a reason it sounds strange for there to be Latin at a middle school.  That is because it is a very hard language to learn, and that these kids aren't schoolboys at Eton in 1955. 

What really makes me the most angry and depressed is that I asked this woman for an egg, and she handed me a scorpion.  If she didn't want to give me a positive reference, why did she give me any reference at all?  To make sure that I couldn't get a job as any kind of teacher, even a sub?  To punish me for having wrecked her program?  I know she thinks I've wrecked her program, though she would never say so,  and thought I was doing so even before I lost my job.  I just wish she could've said, no, I can't give you a reference.  Doesn't saying "Yes, I will give you a reference" imply "Yes, I will give you a good refernce"?  If you don't want to give me a good reference, then just say so so I can find someone who will, but don't give me a negative one.  It's actually a little worse than handing an egg-asker a scorpion, because when someone hands you a scorpion, you know it's a scorpion immediately.  This is more like giving someone a who asked for an egg a scorpion egg, and letting it hatch in their pocket and sting them on the way home.

Feb. 24th, 2009

Bleach OC: Anzu Kaiya

This is a profile I wrote for a shinigami OC.  It covers how she got her zanpakutou.  It cuts off suddenly though, so I'll give you the end of the story.  Her zanpakutou is called Kaijou Kasen, and it is a harpoon and whaling lance set.  So, here you go:

The final member of Gogyou is Anzu Kaiya (杏怪冶 "Apricot" "Mystery Melting"), the only female member. Hers is the fire-type zanpakutou, and such an unusual one that, rather than simply go into its particulars, we must first describe how Kaiya acquired her blade.

To do so, we must first introduce her inner world, which she named the Yūbae no Umi (夕映えの海 "Sea of Sunset Glow"). As the name implies, it is a sea, one wear the sky is always a brilliant, burning orange. The first time Kaiya ever came to the Sunset Sea, she was eight years old. On arriving, she found herself on the shore of a deserted island with a voice from the ocean beckoning her to come into the water and play. When she waded into the water, she was greeted by a red baby sperm whale, who seemed to be the one calling her. As she reached out her hand to pet his large head, the whale, who was much larger than her even as a baby, bit her leg and attempted to drag her down to the bottom. She struggled frantically and managed to tear herself away before she was drowned. Her leg was broken and as she sat in terror on the beach she heard the voice call to her again, "You got away today, you may get away tomorrow, but I will will get you one day and be free free free."

When Kaiya returned from the Sunset Sea, she begged her mother to save her from Akikuji (roughly, "Red Whale"---"kuji" was Kaiya's mispronunciation of kujira "whale"). Her mother thought she was having nightmares, and so sent her off to the local herbalist, to get something to calm herself down. This herbalist, who Kaiya called Grandmother, was in fact a former member of Gogyou from three generations back (and herself the Fire Gogyou), and somewhat knowledgeable in the ways of zanpakutou. When the girl told her of the dream, she was stunned---the girl, at only eight years old (and which is little more than a toddler's age in Soul Society) was already being drawn into her own inner world, and what was more, had attacked her.

"It is not unheard of," she said, "for a shinigami to see his zanpakutou as merely a tool. But a zanpakutou is not a tool, though it may be used as such---it is a spirit unto itself, and though born from its master, is not the same being as its master. In such cases, the Sword can do nothing but cry out in misery and pain at being used thus, or so I had thought. But, when I consider it, I suppose that the opposite is also possible---that a Sword should want to use its master as a tool, but is unable to because of the master's natural domination over the inner world in which the Sword is trapped. Perhaps, if there were such a sword, he would prefer annihilation, in his masters death, to being always confined in the inner world.

But this Akikuji, as she called him, said that what he desired was "freedom". Not "death" but freedom. Now, from what we understand, a Sword can only ever escape from this world when its master has an unusually amount of strength and is, through his own efforts, able to manifest the Sword spirit in the external world to the greatest extent possible: which is called bankai. But, just as the opposite was possible in the first case, perhaps it is possible here as well---that an unusually powerful Sword-Spirit should try to use its own strength to manifest in the external world, and make its master submit to it rather than submitting to the master, make itself the sword-wielder and its master the sword."

On this hypothesis, the herbalist, (whose name, by the way, was Shinnou (心嚢 "Pericardium), began to take an interesting in the girl. They came up with a strategy for subduing Akikuji---he would have to be hunted down. Shinnou told the girl that, the next time she came to the Sunset Sea, she must avoid the water---for the time being. Instead, she must go inland to wear there were trees and fresh water and begin making a whaling ship and a crew to man it. For the latter need, Shinnou instructed her on how to mold and bake clay with her own reiatsu in a way that would generate moderately intelligent helpers. The construction of the ship and crew took Kaiya most of her teen years, since she was not in the Sunset Sea more than a month out of the year. The vessel she named the Hiwatari (火渡り "Fire-Walking"). She left the crew mostly unnamed, except for her first, second, and third mates, each of whom commanded one of the four whaling boats: 1st Mate, Houshikari (星明かり "Starlight"); 2nd Mate, Zansho (残暑 "Lingering Summer Heat"); 3rd Mate, Baien (煤煙 "Smoke and Soot").


From the age of fifteen to eighteen, Kaiya held stood at the helm of the Hiwatari stalking Akikuji. This meant that, every now and then, Kaiya would enter a coma-like state for two-weeks at a time---which, needless to say, terrified her mother. It was never hard to find Akikuji---he usually seemed to be waiting for her, poking his massive forehead out of the water and glaring. When he breached, it sulfurous fumes rose into the air, poisonous enough to peal off skin and more than enough to melt an animated clay oarsmen, meaning they four little sloops had to approach him with the utmost care. Over those years, Kaiya became a master with the harpoon and and the dart,
(all of which she made herself in her forge on the island) and could hook the any point on the dorsal side of the evilly-glaring whale from a distance of 50 yard.

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At this point, let me make a distinction: the harpoon is a spear that is fastened to a rope and thrown (in traditional, or at least early 19th century whaling) into the whale to slow him down and bring him in range. The harpoon is not the thing that kills. That is the dart or the lance (you can see a picture here:http://www.whalecraft.net/Lances.html), a which was thrown at the whale to get it bleeding, and then, when it got close enough, jabbed directly into the whale until it was dead. I know, it's seems barbaric, but in traditional whaling done all by man-power, the whale and the whaler were on much more even playing field (i.e., the whale could really fight back with its flukes and teeth, not to mention its ability to swim away) than came to be so with the advent of the harpoon gun and the explosive dart.
************************************************** *****

Akikuji's appearance was not different from that of a real sperm whale, save that he was, of course, entirely red---though, given the unfathomable power of the real-world variety, this was little comfort. To the innate power of the species, Akikuji added flukes strong enough to split a modern warship and teeth that seethed with fire and could melt iron. But in spite of this, she and her crew (or at least her mates) had lived through countless attacks on the leviathan, and riddled its back with so many darts that he looked more and more like a swimming hedgehog. And yet, he would not die or submit, and always managed to tear the harpoon out of himself and descend once more to the depths.

Kaiya often consulted with Shinnou, but the latter was baffled by the Sword's behavior, and could give no advice. Also, Shinnou was getting very old even by Soul Society standards, and her mind was starting to go. During her respites from the Sunset Sea, Kaiya would care for the old woman and listen to the stories of her time as a mercenary while the old woman listened to her stories of the sea. They became very close indeed, and Kaiya loved the old woman, and dreaded the day she would leave her. And when she returned from her first voyage after turning 18, the day came. The whole 52th District came out to honor the old woman, as there were few she hadn't helped in some way, and it was Kaiya who was given the ashes, which she kept in her room as she didn't know what to do with them.

When next she came to the Sunset Sea, she saw something strange---a wisp of smoke rising from the inner part of the island. At first she thought one of her mates might be at the making fresh darts, but she soon realized it was coming from a place near a little cave by the northern shore. When she investigated, she found Shinnou sitting impassively next to a campfire. When she ran up to her, the little old woman gave no sign of recognition. She said she a Wise Woman and had always lived on the island.

"And who are you, girl?" the old woman asked in formal tones.

"I am Kaiya," she said plainly, accepting that this Shinnou didn't know her.

"What are you doing here?"

"I seek Akikuji. Me and my men have been after him for years but he will not die or submit. I fear that all we have done has been in vain."

"No such thing, girl, no such thing," she said, becoming casual. "The Red Whale is weak from those darts, if yours they be. But darts alone cannot make him submit---rather, you must pull the thing you seek with your own hand."

"If you are not Shinnou, how do you know what I seek?"

"Because I have seen it. I have seen through the blubber and bones and seen it. I have heard him whispering his true name to himself in the water. I know what you seek, girl, and I know how you shall make him submit. This is what you must do..."

The Hiwatari came to the island and she rowed out to it in her sloop. She looked at her mates and said, "This will be the last time we face him, for I have found out how make him submit. And I must also go alone, with my sloop and my oarsmen."

They frowned at her with their almost-human faces. She went on. "I will hook Akikuji myself, but I will use this harpoon instead of my usual one." Here she showed them the single-flue miro the woman had given her.

Baien said, "The pole is made and the chain are made of ivory. And the chain is only half there."

"Yes, I know," she said. "I will provide the rest of the chain right now." At this, she jabbed the harpoon through her chest and out her back. It was covered in blood.

"Captain!" her mates yelled at once. They rushed to her but she stayed them with her hand. She turned around so that her back was to them, half of the pole still jutting out of her chest, and said gently, "Can one of you pull this out for me?"

Houshikari rushed forward to pull the harpoon out from the pole, but she redirected him, "From the other side, Housh'kari."

"But Captain, that---"

"Please, just do it Housh'kari. This is very painful."

Shunzo, looking more human than he ever had, grimaced as he slowly pulled the harpoon from her back. When the came out, he started pulling out the ivory chain and realized it had more behind it than it should. When he had pulled out enough chain that the harpoon, pole and all, lay flat on the deck, Shunzo said, amusedly, "Captain, how long've you been been hiding that chain in your lungs, eh?"

"I've always had it. It is my soul chain," she said, picking up the harpoon and wiping off the blood with a rag she had handy for just this purpose. When Houshikari examined the front of her, he saw that not only was there no wound, there wasn't even a hole in her clothes where there should have been.

"I will hook Akikuji with this harpoon," she said, "and he will drag me down into the sea. But with this in him, our lives will be connected and I will not drown. Then I will stab him in his three Burners, the seats of Fire in him that run down his belly where no darted lance can reach. Then he shall be vulnerable enough that I may reach into his heart itself and pull out the very center of his life. That is the only way it can be done. Either I will make him submit, or die in the attempt."

Within an hour she had readied herself and her oarsmen. She had to say goodbye to her mates, though---they had been there with her through it all, and clay or not, she cared for them.

"Mates, I..." she began, but Houshikari cut her off.

"We are going with you," he said plainly.

"I've already told you," she said, frowning, "I have to..."

"No. You will not go alone. You are not only our Captain, but our creator, and our lives belong to you, one way or another. So, if we cannot go with you in our boats, we will use smaller vessels."

At this, each of them began to crumble, and then fall entirely apart. In each pile of crumbled clay was a dart---and not a dart like she was accustomed to using, but one more like that used by the Eskimos in their traditional whaling (here's a picture:http://www.mnh.si.edu/lookingbothway...jects/173.html). Each was emitting an aura: one was glowing with light, one seething with heat, and one fuming with smoke. So her mates would have their way, and join her in their last battle with the Red Whale.

Kaiya set out that day in her sloop with her three mates strapped to her belt. It took only an hour to find Akikuji, as she needed only to follow the smell of sulfur. She first spotted him by the lances poking out of the water like so many cattails, as it was a calm day with almost no wind. The oarsmen put her in striking distance (about 40 ft away) and she went to the prow. She gave herself about 75 feet of chain---and even she was surprised at its length---and readied herself to strike. Just as she was about to go into her throwing motion, Akikuji spoke to her for the second time in her life, doing so, she now realized, directly into her mind, as whale's mouth's are unconnected to their respiratory system, and thus couldn't really speak. He said to her, in a low, terrible voice, "So, today is finally the day."

She hurled the harpoon at him, hooking him a few feet above the left flipper. She could see a kind of flame traveling up the ivory chain from the spot where it had hit. It snakes up the loose chain and crawled into her back and through her spine and into her heart. And then, she exploded. Her entire body was on fire. She dove into the water just as the whale began his descent into the unknown depths of her inner world.

She pulled herself forward. Akikuji glided upward and swung at her with his massive flukes. She only just managed to get underneath the blow, which she noticed was a slow one, even considering the greater resistance of the water. So the old woman was right---he was getting weaker. But even as she thought it, his fiery maw was rushing towards her, noxious bubbles rising from the teeth. She pulled out the Houshikari from her belt and gashed the massive forehead as she swung her herself up onto his back. She felt around for the blow-hole, and when she found it she jabbed Houshikari a few feet behind it, into the upper burner near the diaphram (which, on a whale, was near the blow-hole at the top).

The whale became frantic and started writhing and plunging downward as fast as he could. She pulled out Shunzo and Baien and used both darts like picks to to get to the underside. She had nearly reached it when she saw that they were by a massive reef of red coral. Akikuji flung his huge flank against it, throttling her with blows that ripped through his own soft flesh. She pulled the dart out of him and pushed off against the reef, and, in spite of the gallons of seething blood that nearly blinded her, brought herself directly beneath the upper burner . She forced Shunzo through the blubber into the middle burner near the stomach. Akikuji made sound from his blow-hole, or perhaps from the spermaceti in his forehead, that sounded like a mix between a groan and a cry of rage. That was when she began to notice the water getting much warmer, and looked below.

There, she saw the faint glow of a submarine volcano, the true home, she now realized, of Akikuji. His lung capacity had been transfered to her through the chain, and even if the liquid rock did not burn her to death, the incredible pressure would. She through herself back to the spot where the third burner lay, near the intestines, close to the spot where the tail-fin separated from main body, and thrust Baien upward until her entire arm was engulfed. She him bellow again. And there it was, right where it should be, a long red ribbon poking out from the whale's blubber to where the heart was. She was almost unconscious from the magma fumes when she pulled herself to it and tugged. She pulled and pulled. The lava was at her back.

Jan. 28th, 2009

my job

I kind of lost it. More appropriately, I was asked to resign. It sucks.

What happened was, two weeks ago, some parent decided to hold a gun to a kid and the kid's mother because she'd been cheating. So the mother asks if she can at least drop the kid off at school and the father says okay. So the father for some reason lets the mother walk the kid into the building and she tells them, My husband is out in the parking lot with a gun.

So the whole school goes on lockdown. I'm in my 2nd period Mythology class with seven boys. We are hiding behind my desk with three other boys under a computer table. The lights are off. We keep waiting and the boys keep intermittently talking. I have no idea what's happening and after 10 minutes of lockdown I'm starting to assume something is going down. This is where my downfall happens. I one point, I was so frustrated and worried that I apparently told one of the kids, "You need to shut up right now or I'm going to gut you like a fish". I don't remember saying the "gut you like a fish" part, but apparently I did. I said it pretty seriously too, but...I can't imagine any of them really thought I was going gut them like a fish.  Almost immediately after, one of them said, "Ah! Mr. C-----'s one of the terrorists!"

Eventually, it cleared up and we all went back to business.  I was a little worried because I had yelled at them a bit, but I never imagined this would happen, because like I said, none of them seemed to take it seriously.  The next day there were rumors about the whole thing, but the kids in that class, the mythology class gave me no indication they had been scared by me.  Then, that day, I got called out of my class at last period, and told by my principal that parents had heard I'd said this horrible thing and they were outraged.  After that, I kind of broke down crying and I said a couple of time that my life was over, which at the time I thought it was.  I thought they would fire me right there.  I've been in trouble before, though for completely different things, basically not writing lesson plans that I could show them early on.  But instead of that, they put me on leave until yesterday.

So, the principal cited how I had said the fish thing, and said how the kids had been scared, which I'm 90% sure is bogus, except for one kid who has mild autism and might not have quite understood the situation.  Then she cited every meeting I'd ever had with her and how she thought I was unstable.  This principal is a bitch---and I'm not the only one who thinks so.  I never actually met anyone, student or teacher, who had anything positive to say about her.  One other guy said the year before he had gotten into trouble for saying in the teachers lounge that he wished she would get hit by a bus.  The students regular say she is a witch, and not just in the way that kids do about adults.  I mean nobody seems to like this lady.

The only good thing is, that since I resigned instead of got fired, it won't go on my record, and when I apply for a job and they call the school, all they can tell them is that I resigned.  So next year, I will probably be able to get a job, but until then I'm in a pretty bad way.  Summer was coming anyway, but I thought I'd have extra cash then.  It also happened over Christmas break that I wrecked my car and now will still have to pay the 1800 dollar difference between the value of the car and what I got a loan for.  Also, I dented the bumper of the rental car they gave me, and when I returned it they made me pay 500 dollars up front to cover the expenses to fix it---though if I'm lucky, I might get a few hundred back.  I'm driving my Dad's Corolla now, and though the idea had been that I would get a loan for that and pay it myself, I don't see that happening when I've got no job and am already paying off my now wrecked car.

Now I've got to get out of this apartment as soon as possible---I can't afford 700 dollars a month rent as a substitute teacher, which is what I hope I can do, though in Durham, which is near where I live and not in my now former district.  I'm going to try to sublease it, but if that doesn't work I'll have to pay the fee and leave.  Then I can get out of this area, and maybe go stay with my family for a little while, I don't know.

Basically, the comfortable life I had before Christmas break has been destroyed.  Looking back, I really shouldn't have accepted this job in the first place---I was teaching Latin, my minor, which I didn't want to teach as my main subject, and was teaching at a middle schoo, when I wanted to teach at a high school.  Now I don't know if I even want to keep teaching at all, but I don't know what else I can do with an English degree.

My Dad keeps on telling me I should turn to God.  Now I am a very religious person, and have been since I was in high school.  Sometimes I have a lot of doubt, because of people like Richard Dawkins and how they seem so sure of themselves..  When my mom died in 2003 it was very bad, and nothing would help it, not even Aquainas or T.S. Eliot.  But I always got through it.  I'm not feeling any doubt now, I'm just not thinking about Him at all since I'm too wrapped up in my own problems.  I am the kind of person who is or fancies himself an intellectual religious person but who sort of looks down on people with simple faith like my Dad, even though all the most intellectual religious people like Aquainas and Chesterton and a bunch of others say that that simple faith is the best kind.  And I know that's right in the end, and I should just have faith, not blind faith but simple faith and trust in God's goodness and try to do better next time.

So, Holy Spirit, hear my prayer.  I am in such a bad state right now, and I don't know what I should do.  I feel like all the walls are closing in.  Please, take pity on me.

Dec. 18th, 2008

Christmastide

Well, it's nearly Christmas again.  Woohoo!  A ton of my kids (i.e., my students) got me presents, which is so great!  I haven't gotten so many presents since I was like 10.  It's mostly boxes of candy and sweets, and at least one gift card to Starbucks.  I was a bit discouraged about teaching earlier this year---I had an incident where I got in trouble over not having my lesson plans, and the behavior of a lot of the kids is a little maddening at times---but now I feel slightly better about my career choice. 

Of course, in the end I want to be a writer and write novels and poems, but being lazy and often lacking creative stimulous, I need something to keep the bread on the table.  When I started school, I thought I'd would be journalism...but after considering it a bit more, I realized the life of a reporter in even a moderately sized city is much too hectic for my homebody temperment.  I only wish I could teach English again, which was my major and what I student taught----I teach Latin and Mythology at the middle school I'm at now (Latin was my minor).  Also, I'm at a middle school---so while I get to exercise my natural childishness on a regular basis (which is refreshing), I still miss teaching high school-level material.  But my kids are really so smart---I read large chunks of Fitzgerald's Odyssey when I felt The Children Homer skipped something important, and they all were able to follow along without trouble, which might not have been the case at the high school where I student taught in Grand Rapids.  But this is a major university town, so it's not really surprising that the kids are smart.

Hmmm....I think I'm wrap this up with one of the "Sonnets at Christmas" by Allen Tate.  It's been one of my favorites since high school, and even now I find the affect really striking.

Sonnets at Christmas (the second one)

Ah, Christ, I love you, rings to the wild skyy
And I must think a little of the past.
When I was ten I told a stinking lie
That got a black boy whipped, but now, at last
The going years, caught in an accurate glow
Reverse like balls Englished on green baize.
Let them return, let the round trumpets blow
The ancient crackle of the Christ's deep gaze.
Deafened and blind, with senses yet unfound
Am I, untutored to the after-wit.
Knowing that a nightmare has no sound.
Therefore with idle head and hands I sit
In late December before the fire's blaze
Punished by crimes of which I would be quit.

Sa, such a good one.  I've always thought, if I could write a poem as good as Sonnets at Christmas, I could die happy having written nothing else.  I should write some poems again one of these days

Oct. 22nd, 2008

Ha!

Some new episode titles just came out for upcoming Bleach episodes.  Among which were:

2008-11-18
195.  
Pesche's Seriousness
ペッシェの本気
Pesshe no honki

Serousness. Pesche has it.  To who it may concern: eat it.

Sep. 2nd, 2008

NC and such

Well, I've been down here for a little less than a month now.  It took me about 3 weeks to actually get the cable internet installed, but finally they did.  The school and the kids are really great----I've only just started getting trouble with one of them, my seventh grade.  I told all my classes at the beginning of the year that if they were cool and didn't all disruptively, they wouldn't need a seating chart.  Well, tha'ts worked okay in all my classes but the seventh, so now I have to clamp down on them., like obviously a seating chart, but also things like more classwork that they have to hand in.  I'd prefer to do practice in other ways, but if that's what it takes to make them work, so be it.

But what really gets me is that I sort of lost my cool at points, and broke the habit I had built up in student teaching of never letting the kids get to me.  So tomorrow, I've got to be real real cool, or they'll think they're starting to get to me.  Man, teaching middle school ends up sounding like "Nam or something...but don't think I'm the only teacher who thinks this way sometimes.  Kids, and middle schoolers especially, are like animals---if they sense weakness, they'll pounce.  That's why I've gotta be real real cool.

Jul. 23rd, 2008

My first teaching job

Well, I finally got a job, though it isn't exactly what I expected. I'm going to be teaching middle school Latin in North Carolina (I'd rather not specifically point out the city, but I'll just say that it's the home of a very large and well known university). Yeah, I didn't know they even had Latin in middle schools, but apparently they do, and since my certification is for 6-12 grades, I can teach it (it was my minor, and I managed to pass my state's certification process). I'd like to think that the scarcity of people who have certification in Latin wasn't the only reason for my getting hired...but it's pretty obvious that that was the main reason. I've got no problem with that, though. I'm also going to be teaching a couple mythology classes, which will be pretty close to English/Language Arts, so I'll be in my element there.

So, I guess I'm a grown up now. I've got a real job and everything. I hate to admit, but when they told me what my salary would be, one of the first things that came to my mind was that I would be able to afford to by a lot more video games and toys and books and stuff. Yeah, so I'm lame, but I'm cool with that. I'm not sure it's quite sunken in yet, but I'm sure it will in a bit.
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Jul. 14th, 2008

My Birthday

Today, I am 24 years old. Not celebrating much. I don't really have any friends in the area...or at all really. It's not a huge deal though, since I won't be able to stay in the area much longer. Still looking for a job, and getting a little desperate. A lot of schools have their own reference forms that have to be filled out before they look at your application. I know I need to track down the people I'm going to use and get them to either fill out the forms or just write me a letter, but...I don't know...I always feel weird asking for something like that. I know they'll do it, but it still feels weird asking someone to tell someone else you're good enough, when you're not even sure yourself. So, I keep putting it off. Can't do it much longer though, because money is getting tight, and by money I mean credit. I just really want to know that I'll have a job in the fall.

When I was in elementary school, I always thought to myself, well, I should graduate high school when I'm eighteen and college when I'm 22. The only change I've had in that plan was when I realized I'd need another year for student teaching to finish out college, so I would think to myself that I'd graduate at 23. I have never actually imagined myself being 24. It seems like I should be a grown up by now. I don't feel like it though. Sometimes, I wonder if I've really changed that much since I was a kid. I mean, of course I know more things than I did then, but I really don't feel fundamentally different. Subconsciously, I guess I always thought there would be a moment in time where I would stop being a boy and become a man. Still hasn't happened though.
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Jun. 18th, 2008

Inuyasha is teh over

I am probably the only male (straight male at least) who will openly admit this: I kinda liked Inuyasha.  I'm sad to see it go, but at least it ended happily, if really abruptly.  And Kagome and Kagome and Inuyasha get married, awww...even though we don't get to see any of their domestic life, except them standing on a ledge.  Did we ever see them kiss?  I mean, in canon (movies don't count).  And what of Koga, eh?  He was a pretty big part of the story for awhile, and he didn't even get a place in the epilogue.

And I gotta say, Naraku went down like a punk.  All that time, it was like he was freakin' invincible, and when he finally does get the jewel, he goes down.  I guess that was Kikyo's plan in the first place, but there was that whole thing with Kohaku.  That thing with the point of light or whatever it was letting him live without his shard was a little convenient, but ah well.  It had a good run, but it had to end eventually.  But they need to finish off the anime---I mean, come on, like 200 something chapters, including the best action sequence, the one with Moryomaru that leads to Kikyo's death, got cut off.  That at least deserves some quality animation.

May. 15th, 2008

The Role Playing

I just started doing this whole journal-based RP thing, and mostly it seems pretty cool. Their are some exceptions, though. Like, I used to play at this one where there were a lot of issues, I thought, with people going pretty far afield. Okay, I'll just be blunt---it was a yaoi-fest. Seriously. Like 2/3 of the male characters were with other guys. And I'm pretty sure that almost none of these characters were ever shown to have any such tendencies. There were other things too, and that isn't the reason why I left that one (it was because the whole crew I was in evaporated at once), it was still pretty weird. And I have no problem with what people want to do our read about on their own time, but I wanted to do role playing in the first place to pretend I was someone who has a cool magical sword (I think it's cool at least) and has crazy adventures, not for...um...what seemed to be occupying a good deal of the other characters time in that one.

Now I'm in this other one that's really, just really super strict about being in character. And I sort of like that. But at the same time...and yes, I'm talking about myself and my own character (and I'm sure someone could track this character back to me if they really wanted to) and what other people have apparently been saying about it...at the same time, there seems to be a tendency toward pigeonholing characters into a certain type, and you've gotta stick to that type or people are going to get upset. And what really super super bugs me is that there is at least one plot going on in my crew that I can't help but think my character would be able to have a role in, and that there are some things that I think it would be highly reasonable for my character to know, but I basically got told "X wasn't important enough to have known this fact, so obviously there should be no further discussion unless you can canonically affirm that he did know said fact".

This stuff, however, was really no big deal. I have no problem adjusting how I play my character in order to help the crew get along better. What upsets me is that only one person actually said to me, "Hey, you know, I think that's a little out of character," but apparently more people than one complained about me to mods (or...and I don't mean to impugn anyone in particular, the complaint came from a mod in the first place...though I'm not sure what the case would be there). I could understand if people were afraid to criticize me to my face, but there was already a way in place for them to do so anonymously, and nobody did. Which bums me out a lot, because I think that there are better ways to work out certain problems then to run to an authority figure (er...though, well, see above for another possibility on that matter). And if a person does something wrong a lot of times and is told, oh it's no big deal, once they've said they're sorry, but it really is a big deal and being sorry doesn't change the fact that they keep doing it, then shouldn't you just tell them, privately and reasonably, that it is a big deal and maybe the person needs to try harder in the future. Harsh words hurt sometimes, but they hurt a lot more and, I think, do the person a lot less good, when their delivered by a third party like a mod.

Well, in the end, it's not such a big deal though. And it really is a lot of fun to do the role playing.

May. 9th, 2008

Not Much

Well, it's been nearly two weeks.  So far, I've got an interview on Tuesday at a place that does what I guess they call "camps" where kids do "Lego Engineering", which I guess is like usable remote control cars with Legos or something, and "video game making", though think it might be more of a cut-and-paste sort of deal.  Basically, they hire teachers to babysit older kids.  I'm fine with that though, as long as it pays---not much else for a teacher to do in the summer for work, and since I'm stuck in the GR area until my lease runs out, and since there are no teaching jobs in MI---I mean there are literally going to be like 300 openings for teaching jobs in the state next year, and Michigan colleges of ed. are churning out 4000+ new teachers every year. 

So, hopefully I can get in at that place and start looking for a permanent job out of state at the same time.  It's a daunting idea though, because the longest I've ever lived out of state was the 2 months I worked at Cedar Point, and that was still the midwest (though not really, since 2/3 of the employees at CP are from other countries---they have to import them because few people from the US are dumb enough to want to live in a hovel, get yelled at by guests and management and generally treated like crap for more than one summer).  Oh well though.  I just hope I can get a job somewhere that isn't Arizona or Florida---not that I have anything against the culture of either state, but I start melting when it gets above 70.

Apr. 27th, 2008

Commencement

Well, the ceremony wasn't so bad.  It dragged on and on like I thought it would, but luckily I brought my DS with The New York Times Crossword Puzzles, so I wasn't too bored.  I got through a Monday puzzle (the easiest level) and half a Tuesday when they finally got through the names. 

Debbie Stabenow's speech was pretty lame, just a bunch of cliches strung together, but I lived through it.  Who writes these speeches, I wonder?  They try to be homely and cute from time to time, but they're always loaded with vague terms that don't have enough concrete meaning to offend anyone.  Teacher speak is quite similar to this, which is why I avoid it, always.  There is always a better way to say things.  The idea behind that sort of talk is to hide what you really think and feel, supposedly to spare their feelings---but how much deception is done in the name of sparing feelings!  If you offend someone with what you say, there are only two---there was some sort of a misunderstanding on the part of the listener or there was some sort of meanness inherent in what you are saying.  Misunderstandings can be easily repaired with honest discussion, and if I am talking with cruelty in my heart, I had better shut up and fix my heart before I open up my mouth.  I am not saying that I am so good and noble a person that I am always looking inward for the mote in my own eye, but I at least try to be aware that that's where I should be looking.

Man, I am too prone to this sort of half-baked philosophizing.  That's all for now.  Presently, I will begin to search for a job.

Apr. 23rd, 2008

Not much is new

Only a three days until the graduation ceremony.  Everyone, especially my kids, keeps on asking me if I'm excited.  The truth is, no, not really, I'm not excited.  I guess it'll be good to finally not have to pay some one else to work at a school, but it also means a whole other load of crap that's going to be a hassle to deal with.  The first one is finding a job.  Chances are, I'm going to have to leave Michigan.  I don't want to do it.  Lots of people, even my Dad, don't understand this...they're all like, "Who wants to live in Michigan if they don't have to?"  Well, I do.  I love this state...I know I don't have a lot to contrast it to to know if there might not be something I would like better, but I know that I do like it here.  Or maybe it's more that I feel a person should have a sense of place...should try to make some kind of connection with the place.  Like, in the first part of "The Comedian as the Letter C":

Nota: man is the intelligence of his soil,
The sovereign ghost. As such, the Socrates
Of snails, musician of pears, principium
And lex.

Now, while Stevens probably meant something blasphemous that I won't embrace with the part about man being the "sovereign ghost" of the soil, I still always think of that line, "the intelligence of the soil", and it really resonates with me.  When I was a like 15 working at this plant nursery in SW MI, I was surrounded by dirt and earth and even snails, and it kind of effected me.  I connected to nature (at least at those times that I wasn't so exhausted from working that I couldn't think).  I think the land, the literal soil and earth beneath our feet, is connected to our selves in a way we don't understand; our ancestors mostly stayed in the same place for generations, farming and herding and all that, and they had that connection to their local earth in a way we don't.  They knew the earth and the earth knew them. 

Or something.  I don't pretend to be doing anything but thinking out loud.  I'm sure that if a certain kind of person read this, they'd be all like, "Oh, that's Magical Thinking..." or something.  But...well, just screw them.  What a tiresome lot, people who say such things.  If I ever get like that, I hope somebody shoots me.

Apr. 21st, 2008

Hello

I'm...well, I've been told that potential teachers shouldn't go throwing their names around, so you can just call me K.  You know, like in The Castle.  So, I'll be graduating on Saturday; that is, I'll be going to the graduation ceremony on Saturday: you don't really "graduate" until they make sure you actually took all your classes and send you a letter reading, "This is just to say that, yeah, you did graduate. Just hadda be sure."

So, I like poetry and lit and mangas and all that sort of geek stuff.  I'm sure we'll get along famously.

Oh, and it's probably worth mentioning: my screenname comes from this poem by J.V. Cunningham (you don't know him but you should):

Envoi

Hear me, whom I betrayed
While in this spell I stayed,
Anger, cathartic aid,
Hear and approve my song!

See from the sheltered cove
The symbol of my spell
Calm for adventure move,
Wild in repose of love,
Sea-going on a shell
In a moist dream.  How long—
Time to which years are vain—
I on this coastal plain
Rain and rank weed, raw air,
Served that fey despair,
Far from the lands I knew!

Winds of my country blew
Not with such motion—keen,
Stinging, and I as lean,
Savage, direct, and bitten,
Not pitying and unclean.

Anger, my ode is written.

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